Home

We are on our flight home. We got on the plane at 3:20 ish and at 5:40 finally took off. There was some unknown (to me) problem and people had to be called in. It was disconcerting to me. I loved to fly the couple of times I did when I was much younger. Then out of the  blue I became unreasonably scared to fly. I had some real issues with it including one time going to the ER instead of my flight because I thought I was having a heart attack. 

I did all I could to slay this demon. I read about flight and how it’s safe. I made a list of people I like who are pilots: Rob B, Wade, Steve, President Uchtdorf. All reasonable men who love to fly. I composed a song that I would sing in flight, sometimes for the whole flight and always in my head 🎵it’s fun, and fast and safe…repeat🎶, sometimes I would ask for a blessing before I flew. I always prayed. One day I had a flying miracle. I was getting ready for another white knuckled flight to Utah and was on my knees praying when I felt peaceful and not afraid. I flew without fear and have since. I have to purposely hold on to the memory of that feeling and decide to let faith rule over fear sometimes but it’s worked and I haven’t been afraid. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remember but usually I can fly smoothly now. I always thank Heavenly Father for this tremendous blessing. 

Today kind of put me on shaky footing but I am employing my old strategies and reminding myself that it’s fine.  (If I don’t land however…;) )

This morning before we left we got to go to one of Tatum’s softball games. They made it to state. Today they had a 7:30 am game and a 1:30 pm game. If they won either (which they did) then they’d go on to play tonight. I am glad we got watch this morning. After we went to Kneaders, and then Tori drove us to the airport. 

 Our visit was good, and bad. I just want to always be there by everyone but I know that’s not the objective. When you set out to raise up children your aim is to have them be independent at the end. And mine are. I am so proud of how they live their lives and help each other and are raising their own families now. Jenna and Dani live close together and help each other all the time. They are happy aunts and wonderful mothers. They are selfless and kind and fun and hard working. I love to be with them but they don’t need me there.

Hannah is also doing great. She’s working , graduating next month, has lots of friends and is a doting mom for cute little Bug! She can do it all without me but still wants/needs my opinion or whatnot, which I am glad about and I know it will not last because really she’s got it.

Ethan stepped out into the world, despite the adversity of Covid without a look back. He’s doing so great and doesn’t seem to be homesick or regretting going on his mission now. It’s so interesting to see the hand of the Lord in your life and to see how often it does not look that way you’d like it too. For example when Bub was little he LOVED soccer and he was good. He was invited to try out for the ODT and to play on travel and club teams. We always said no because they had a play on Sunday requirement. This was hard for all of us honestly. I loved watching him play and wanted him to have the joy of it. People would try to persuade us and sometimes even adults tried to entice him to play. We held firm and I always imagined that we’d get to high school and the Lord would bless him and he’d make the team and know his sacrifices were worth it. Well, we moved to CA and he didn’t make the team in 8th grade or 9th. I could not believe it. I wasn’t raising a soccer player I was raising a disciple but I thought he’d get that blessing. He did make the team in 10th and LOVED it! But then we moved and again he didn’t. That was really tough and might I add not fair. I don’t know why but I do know that He does. I still believe he will be and has been blessed, it’s just not the way I’d thought it would be or that I even recognize. 

Grace, we’ll we still have her for two more years!💕. 

And that brings us to Sierra. Sweet, smart Sierra who had everything (in her words) “finally going well. A job she liked, roommates she enjoyed, and a man she loved” life was looking great and then the accident. And the miracles.  But again the miracle doesn’t look quite that way I would like it to. She is doing amazing and besides a thumb that doesn’t move and chronic neck and back pain, which will hopefully get better, physically she is on the mend. The harder thing is the brain. Brain injuries are devastating and difficult and take time. Her sheer trauma in the frontal lobe has all the challenges that most other people with that injury face. She seems fine at first, she knows and remembers a lot and can be cheerful and happy. She also is easily annoyed & angry. She shows poor judgement, doesn’t want to believe the doctors and insists that she’s fine. She moved out of Dani’s house even though we didn’t want her to. She’s driving when we think she needs more recovery time. She’s mad mad mad at me because I am, in her perspective, holding her back and not helping the way she wants. 

We ended up with a big conflict on Sunday. Everyone was at Val’s and they have fun electric scooters there. A bunch of people wanted to go scooter, including Sierra and Chris. The surgeon had told her that eventually she would be able to enjoy most of the activities she used to but that she would never be able to skateboard. A scooter is just a really fast skateboard with a stick. Her arms are still healing and we don’t even know if she will need a bone graft or not yet,  her skin still has an open wound and her head is definitely not all the way well. So I said no, and took her shoes and argued with her and got mad at Chris because he said he thought she’s be fine.  She didn’t go but it did not resolve happily.

They left Val’s right after and she is still mad days later. I am frustrated and worried. I don’t live in Utah and even if I did I’m not sure that I could stop her from doing what she wants, she is an adult. I know this is her injury and I know she just wants to be well and that she is frustrated at me and the situation. I just want her to be well and happy. I want her to be safe while she gets well. Of course I want a warm and loving relationship with her; I love her with all my heart. I just feel like I understand the seriousness of her injuries better than she does. Granted she understands how she feels and what’s in her head better than I. (Sigh) this is really really tough for everyone.  And unfortunately I’m not wrong. I wish I was and that she was well and fine.

Val said it best the other day when she said the last year and a half has been a real “sh*t show” for our family. Like everyone we have always had problems and challenges and joys and blessings. The last while there have been some really big ones that are so sad, and so hard. 

I guess it’s just time to pray harder and let faith win over fear. And pray that angels continue to keep watch around her and she survives her recovery.