Weekend

Rob drove home today. There was lots of traffic so it took a little longer than anticipated but he arrived safely. It was a good visit. We got to do some fun things and we got a lot of house stuff done. It was also a hard visit. I guess it’s his last time in Florida (although we have Grace’s graduation in 5 month). I feel like it was a little stressful and after 7 month not living here it was like he was visiting. The good news is we are more than half way done with this slow roll move. 

We each feel like we are the most inconvenienced by the whole thing and that is a difficult thing to navigate. 

Last night I was particularly melancholy about the move, and the kids all being grown and almost gone. I love having Ethan and Grace here but really they are only half here. 

Ethan is just bidding his time until BYU and the start of the rest of his life. 

Grace is on the downward slide to graduation. She is sorting out all the typical senior year stuff. The realities of the $ it takes to go to school, the looking forward to being on your own and the apprehension of being on your own. The sorrow of moving and changing the plans for college that she wanted and the fun of a first boyfriend. The end of marching season, all the things.

I am experiencing all the typical (if you buy Carl Jung’s theories) challenges of middle age. I don’t want an empty nest and feel a loss of identity. 35 years of being a mother is all I know and it has been the source of so much of my joy. Now I have to make a plan for moving to the next chapter. 

Last night I was “crying” with Kristina about how this is the worst part of parenting and we commiserated with each other. Then this morning Bub and I went to the stake office so he could give his mission report to the high council. It was a wonderful meeting. He shared about his mission and then the high council had the chance to ask him questions. They had lots and he had mature and thoughtful answers. 

One thing they asked him was how his testimony had changed from before his mission to now. He said when he went out he definitely had a testimony but it was like a sketch, the outline was there and the various elements were there but it was like a line drawing. Serving over the last two years, and living the gospel and consecrating his life to the Lord has made that sketch develop into a full colored painting that is rich and vivid. 

They asked him to compare how missionaries were received in Utah vs Spain. He said in Utah they never met anyone who didn’t know who they were, the people there are used to missionaries knocking on their door once a month but they were warm and friendly. The members were super supportive and they taught and baptized. For how Spain was he answered with the following story. He and his companion flew to Spain from the US together, got off the plane and met the mission president and within hours the two of them were on a 5 hour long train ride that would take them to an area where no one had served in almost 2 years and with no idea what to do. They eventually found the apartment and after sleeping got to work. It was Easter time and the church had put out a video. For three days they walked the streets of their new town asking everyone they saw if they’d like to see a video about Jesus. No one watched it. That was Spain he said. Then he went on to say that it got better. They learned better ways to teach and outreach. The story was met with some laughter and some knowing nodding of heads. Missions are hard. Ethan said he didn’t expect it to be mentally grueling. He was surprised by the challenges and the hardships. He also said that it was due to that hardship that he grew and learned, that his testimony became strong. He said if your life isn’t going the way you wanted it to, or expected it to, then you can be assured it’s because Heavenly Father has a different plan than you do and that the outcome will be better than you had hoped.

They asked questions and he answered for a long time 15-20 minutes. Then he bore his testimony. It was a beautiful sacred meeting where the spirit was strong. He talked about miracles and goals and conversations and conversions and it was a delight to sit and listen. 

I am sad that my children are grown. That my turn having a house full of commotion and fun is done. I would never want to take this next stage away from them though. They are growing and learning and serving and thriving. They are raising families, serving God, following their covenant path, and I am so so grateful and honored to be a part of the beginning and now a witness and a cheerleader and a place to come home to. 

During the meeting the spirit whispered peace to my heart. My son is right. We need to have faith that God’s plan is better. And more importantly God’s son is the source of never ending joy and truth and light. Following Him solves all our sorrows (no matter what psychosocial stage of life we are in), makes our family relationships eternal, and gives us purpose.

I am very grateful for this short time with E. He is a good son. He sits close to me and helps me and humors me. 

I am also so grateful for this time with Grace. It’s “slipping through my fingers”🎶 so fast but that’s okay I’m just trying to soak it in, make it meaningful, and enjoy. I try not to think about the parts I’ll miss, or the end of the chapter. 

On that cheerful note, and as I laugh at myself for being so dramatic, I will say there are some wonderful things that come with turning the page. The blessing of grandchildren and married kids is amazing. The free time is super nice. The cleaner house and sleeping in on weekends is definitely nice. 

And in other news: my Christmas shopping is well underway!