Balm of Gilead

It’s fall, I guess. That doesn’t mean much in Florida but I do find myself looking forward to the changing of the seasons. LLBean catalog cover photo fall is amazing, Hocus Pocus movie scene Halloween party fall  is awesome. Pumpkin flavors at Dunkin…and everywhere else truthfully, are delightfully yummy. Slightly spooky stories, flannel shirts, falling leaves, the eve of the hygge holiday festivities all whisper nostalgically of past joys and at the same time promise the future gladness of family, thanks, tradition, and a fresh spark of end of the year magic. There is something about endings that are at once achingly awful and also wonderfully satisfying.

People are complex and part of that complexity is we can, and often do, feel and think multiple and contradictory feelings and thoughts at the same time! I’m happy and scared, I’m both grateful and mad, I’m lonely but brave, and so on. Each pairing requires emotional navigation, soul searching and introspection to sort through and understand. 

And so here I am, sitting on my couch on a Thursday morning and I’m dusting through my thoughts, decluttering, deciding what to keep, what to get rid of. We each write our own personal narratives, the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and our worth and our relationships. Truth is absolute, the lens each person views it through is different and our perception is unique and most importantly we have the power to decide, to some degree, how we will frame our experiences and how we will let our experiences frame our character. 

Today is my brother Michael’s birthday. I don’t know where he is. He does keep in contact with mom and dad, I think somewhat loosely. As far as I know he’s technically homeless. He does have a car and he randomly works doing odd things. I know this is so heartbreaking to my parents and I can’t imagine how many sleepless nights they’ve had, how many tears they have spilled. Michael once had such great potential. He was smart and handsome and so on the ball. It is tragic where he is now. I always feel terrible when I think about him. I wish I could do something to help and I feel sad for him that I can’t and I feel guilty about that. He will take money of course and asks for that occasionally but that doesn’t change his life or choices and it doesn’t help him.  I love my family of origin so much. We’ve been a hot mess the last few years with more twists and turns than a telenovela. It’s so craZy that when I talk about it my friends  wouldn’t believe me except that I tell the truth.  Lol

Then there is Grace. 

 

This long drawn out mess of a move and Little Job’s complex medical craziness are not happy partners. We went to the GI yesterday. She’s lost a few more pounds. They want to put in a feeding tube; she really, really doesn’t want one. We are giving it two weeks to see if she can maintain. I ordered high calorie/high protein bars for her to eat throughout the day as we sat in the doctor’s office (shout out to my good friend and archenemy of the budget Amazon!!). She also met with the sorcerer supreme, Dr Skylar her therapist (who costs $200 a session out of pocket (talk about a budget killer! and who Rob and I will gladly gladly pay…if it helps, which Grace thinks it is helping🤞🤞🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🤷‍♀️) yesterday and they are working hard together. 

Today we see the dermatologist for her random bleeding from her pores problem. 

More than anything I want her to be well. I don’t want her to suffer, I want her to go do amazing things because she is incredibly smart and so very talented and driven and capable. 

I know we signed up for hard. I know that God does not leave us alone in our struggles, I know He loves her. Never have I related more to ​​​this sentiment found in Mark “​And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine ​​​unbelief​.”

Having children is at once the most wonderful, happy, joyful experience and blessing EVER and the hardest, your heart is walking around outside of your chest and there’s nothing you can do about it, terrifying thing ever. And it doesn’t end when they are grown. My grown children and their families are so amazing, I love them and am so so proud of them and grateful. When times are hard for them, and of course they are because they are for everyone- really hard for everyone, this is a test kind of hard for everyone, I am even more proud of them because they face it. Being far away is the worst because you can’t really offer much help, you can’t lift their burden and help shoulder the load. All I can do it pray, listen, pray, hope, say words of encouragement and hope. I want everyone to have happy easy lives (laugh with me), barring that I want to be there in the middle of the mess and the middle of the joy to help and be helped, to celebrate and to weep. Barring that I will pray.  

And I’m here with Grace and still that’s all I can do most of the time. So??

Weirdly living apart from Rob right now has had some unexpected good things come from it. It’s hard. It’s expensive. It’s kind of boring with him gone, I watch too much dumb TV (looking at you Echoes, she-hulk, Indian match maker and whatever else I have binged). He’s very lonely and I am his emotional support person so that can be a lot sometimes but we have also found a new closeness. We are very proactively using this time to talk about things that really we never have talked about before. Our relationship is stronger and newer and more satisfying. I am missing him more than I thought I would, and I look forward to the house being done and Grace being done with school, and living together again and hopefully continuing these healthier, stronger habits. At the same time I do not want to wish away this last year with Grace living in our home, and the fun and excitement and joy of senior year. 

Empty nesting seems daunting.

So there’s all that.