making friends

 I asked Grace a last week if she'd like to invite the kids from church over so she could make some friends. I was surprised that she said yes. This was the first night that would work, so I got home from my week away and this morning we cleaned up, went to the gym, and the grocery store and started to cook.  We had a taco bar with homemade tortillas and the kids played games.  I got stuff for smores as well.  Right now I am sittervising from the next room and it sounds like things are going well. 

Update: they made it to the fire

I wish I could write about all the things that I am learning and how I feel called to counsel. I hope Rob and I will go on a few missions and hopefully one of them will be where I can act as a counselor in the mission field.

Everything I read is so very interesting.  This week was so crazy.  They call them intensives for a reason.  We sat through hours of group therapy and one thing that was confirmed to me is that people are a mess.  And thank goodness Jesus redeems us from all that. My classmates are mostly traditional Christians and I love the way they worship. They are good, good, people and their faith is so important to them. I love the way it's first and foremost in their lives. Some of their faith language is really beautiful.  They are missing the saving ordinances of the temple, restored priesthood authority, and living prophets. They are not missing powerful faith, and rich prayer lives. I look forward to the day when Jesus returns and we all worship as one. 

I have had a few friends who have children who have left the church.  It is heartbreaking. I want to just wrap my arms around them and transfer all the feelings of my heart into them so they can remember the truths that they were taught as children.  At the same time, I know that all I can do is pray, and the rest is in God's hands.  He loves them, and he has given them the gift of free agency. It is not my job to take that away. I am comforted to know that you can be a really good person in or out of the church & that there is truth to be found in so many places. I just want to show love and no judgement. Preach.

We got to watch a psychodrama session in action. That was really intense, and the healing was so powerful. I left that session with several takeaways. One is that everyone has healing to do in their relationships.  I've been calling my children and just sharing the invitation with them that if they have something to bring up with me that I am open to that. I want to repair any mistakes from the past and move forward with closeness that is genuine and unguarded. I specifically said I am not looking for them to validate that I was the best mom ever, and I will not be upset. I know that there are things that I didn't do great. All parents are trying to do their best in a fallen world. They are plagued with fatigue, impatience, financial worries, work to do, meals to make, times they are feeling sick or tapped out or _______________________, and kids are kids, so I feel very confident is saying that each of us has many things to apologize for! - if you are reading this real time children, 4 kids down, 2 left to talk to ;)

Second, I am really bad at being open about my feelings because I don't want to hurt others. 

One lady shared that she is not a crier, she does not feel like she "feels things" as deeply as others, she is always in control of her emotions and a little closed off. This is me.  She said she wanted to feel more compassion for others and so she prayed that God would break her heart for the things that break His.  She prayed this more than once but didn't really notice a difference.  Then at intensives she had to tell her story, as we all did, and found herself crying.  Many times. She cried for little Jane (not her real name and in that moment, she realized that her pray was being answered.  That God's heart broke for her pain. Wow. let that sink in, God's heart breaks for your pain. 

Our termination session was bittersweet. Everyone felt so close to each other, a recurring theme was that "I am telling you guys stuff I've never told anyone".  Our last activity was to sit in a circle and speak words of affirmation and encouragement over each other. It is very uncomfortable to sit there and have everyone say nice things about you. At the same time I will file away some of those words and thoughts and keep them in remembrance for times when I need encouragement. 

Some of the words that were given to me were Ema, Hebrew for mother, the partner of Abba.  Someone who is wise and self-less. Other words:  brave, kind, seeking knowledge, wise, warm, welcoming, nurturing, you have the best smile, you feel safe. It was nice and super awkward.