Today feels like a lots of words day. But first I love this crazy, beautiful, smart, wonderful, lady. She's doing a health study, again, which I completely disapprove of. I worry about her health and don't think you should take random meds. But she is a big girl and makes her own decisions and she is amazing and I wholeheartedly approve of her. So there you go. She lives life on her own terms.
So this is interesting, I have some strong women for daughters. I don't consider myself a strong woman though. I am a people pleaser and avoid conflict like crazy. I would much rather keep quite, and I suffer from acute frozen vocal chords sometimes. I can not say what's on my mind. I think Dani's a bit like that too. The other girls though are more willing to stand up for what they want. I admire that. Jenna and Clayton have a very "equal partners" marriage and she is not at all hesitant to insist that things are equal. Not that I think she is pushy, she is not. Or that I think she has to force Clayton, because she does not. It's just very balanced. I think this will be amazing for Cora and Ruby and I am so glad for them. Dani and Greg also have a very happy marriage and Greg does so much of the kid care, cooking, cleaning, etc. They are very good men and good husbands and fathers.
Hannah and Grace were both strong willed children. (unlike the first four) and I thought they would be strong willed women. Hannah has been driven and focused with school, she is a total tiger momma for Ezra and she is also not shy about telling Sawyer what to do and keeping things moving ahead in their lives. Grace is the most strong willed. She is not a people pleaser. She doesn't even really care what people think of her. She is driven, smart and not afraid to speak her mind at all. She has had some real challenges with Lincoln and is fighting for their rights as a working partnership at school. She strides right into the AP's office when something comes up, confidently and articulately writes letters to the district lawyers to advocate for herself, and may get me fired someday. I struggle between wanting to really support her, and also taking a "reasonable route" or keeping the peace. I have thought from time to time that I would have been heroic in some historic scenarios. I like to imagine that I would have hid the jews during WWII, or helped the slaves on the underground railroad, or stood up to the mobs in Carthage...but really I might not have. I might have actually taken my little children inside and tried to keep them safe and keep the peace. I don't know. I do admire that kind of activism and courage.
I work with some very strong women. They are vocal and opinionated and loud. It's interesting to me. We get along great but are really different from each other. I am the "nice one", and while I do consider that a compliment I also want to be strong in my convictions, and a good influence, and an advocate for right, and a disciple for truth.
Anna met some of her halfies, they went on a trip together. So that's kind of crazy. I am happy for her, in a crazy way, like if you have to have this huge upset in life at least there are some good parts. Also I am kind of jealous, I would not want to have a donor but I also don't want them to have one, or to have other sisters. We need to plan a sisters trip.
I signed up for classes. I start in two weeks. I don't know how it will go. I am nervous I won't do well, or I won't like it, or I won't want to work, or I will waste all that money.
We found a new home for Ziva. I know, it's crazy. So we have talked about it thru the years because she is a high, high maintenance dog. When I was a stay at home dog mom it was easier, I walked her a lot, and I was home with her a lot so when we went to do fun stuff after school or on weekends I didn't feel bad. Now I work all day and I do feel so bad when we come home and change and go to Disney or the beach. Rob says it's self imposed and it really may be but I can't help it. She's sad and wants to be with us. She also has accidents and barks all the time. I haven't ever followed thru because I felt terribly guilty and also I don't want her to be abused or unhappy. Fast foreword to this summer and we left for Utah for a couple of weeks and Grace's friend Kaylynn kept her. The whole family loved her and even went so far as to say they wanted a dog just like her. Grace told Kaylynn that I wanted to get rid of her and she said they wanted her. I let that simmer for like 3 months. Now that school is starting for me, our resident dog middle of the day dog walker is leaving on a mission, and we have giant brown dog who she hates and who takes up a lot of emotional space as well, I thought I wonder if they do want her? So I texted Jennifer and she and Todd talked about it and said they really did want her. She lived with them for 2 weeks in the summer and got along great with their dogs and was happy and well behaved. Also they know all her history and so tomorrow she moves in with them. I did tell them if it doesn't work out we'd take her back, but I think it will work out. And I am a big fat dog dumper. This is on me 100%, Rob doesn't want to, but he also doesn't want to take care of her. Ethan doesn't want to and he's leaving and doesn't like to take care of her. Grace is fine with it. Some times I do insist on some things, vasectomy of 2004 comes to mind, Tilly being left in CA another, and now this.
I've been reading the BOM from the beginning since conference and have been highlighting times when the Savior does something for us. I'm almost thru 1 Nephi and there is something underlined on every page if not every column (I'm reading the actual book) and it is beautiful and amazing. This last conference was so powerful. I loved it.
I'm thinking about getting a twice a month housekeeper.
The YW are doing spooky secret sisters. One favorite part of girls camp is the secret sisters. Sage and Grace asked if we could do it in October. All the girls wanted to so here we are. We have been having some fun and great activities. Our girls are amazing, they are not all friends with each other though. They like each other but a lot of them are kind of strangers to one another so that's one of our big challenges. I want to have each girl feel included and loved. I have been a YW president for many years and I love it, but it's hard. It's always a lot and I want so much for them. I want to really help them grow their testimonies, and to feel loved and accepted, and for everything to be great. Everything is never great though. (some things are great but everything...nope) Thru the years I've been blessed to serve with a lot of amazing women, and to serve some really amazing girls. Many of them are doing awesome now. Some have taken other routes and that's been hard, but I still love them. We can't make people do what we think is right, we can only love them no matter what they do. That's easy, the hard part is not feeling sorrow for the struggles, and the hard times. It's hard to see girls left out, or leaving themselves out. It's hard know of my own struggles and challenges and to want to spare them but of course that never works. (same with my own children too..maybe even harder with them, maybe. There I also get to add guilt for the things I could have done way better to make life easier or safer or happier for them, at least with YW I usually feel like I did okay and I am only one factor for them. Mom's are more than one factor for their children)
Our election. Oh my gosh. The first debate was a literal dumpster fire. Last night the VP's debated and that was way better. I decided that even though I don't like Trump I can vote for Pence for VP. I wish there was more transparency. There are so many lies and deceptions that I really have no idea who to believe. What a wreck.
Robbin, my friend at work, who is a hot mess, is really hoping to see the minimum wage go up. There is a proposal for it to go to $15 an hour (in gradual increments), she would love that. She is a widow (twice) and lives paycheck to paycheck. She really has had a colorful life. I was talking with Ethan about her the other day, he knows her from school of course, and from my stories, and we were talking about her financial struggles and he was aghast that anyone could work full time...for 25 years, and not make a living wage. He thinks that is morally wrong. That is one of our nations problems, we have a whole bunch of people who work for minimum wage their whole lives and they never break the cycle of poverty. He is, in many ways, quite liberal in his views. I think I was very much so in my youth, and even now a little. What makes me much more conservative now than I used to be is a) being married to a far right wack-o (lovingly put) and having him provide a constant background of political commentary, like a sound track to our life, that has swayed me to a degree. Also the execution of the left leaning, social programs, and pacifist policies is impossible to accomplish in our flawed and fallen state. Some day Christ will rule personally on the earth and I think those ideals will be what we live by, and there will be no poor among us, and we will bury our weapons of war, and it will be unimaginably wonderful. But for now it's impossible.
That's all I've got. That and I wish I lived down the street from my kiddos, all of them. That they could gather around my kitchen counter for treats and talks, that I could spoil the grands and spend time with the kids, and that we were a big part of every day. And my sisters and parents and brothers and everyone, everyone.
And I'm unhappy with the things we are missing, and the trials we are going thru. And I am SO grateful for the peace the gospel brings, that families are forever so even if we are far apart now it won't always be that way. And it's October, a favorite month, and it's not so,so hot.
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